It’s what’s for dinner

You might want to rethink that trip to New Guinea

Remember the Beef Industry Council’s advertising campaign several years ago featuring the Sam Elliott voice-over? “Beef, it’s what’s Dinner.” Loved that. Usually made the Rat hungry too.

If you’re planning your own little National Geographic type safari to the jungles of Papau New Guinea anytime soon, you just might want to give some serious thought to booking a different trip. Perhaps a ride or two on Disney World’s Jungle Cruise would be a bit more appetizing – or should we say less appetizing?

Okay, this is no laughing matter for members of one particular tribe in New Guinea. Especially those who have been eaten by other members. The “what’s for dinner?” question takes on a whole new meaning with these people.

Yep, there’s a tribe in Papua who “meats” out justice by eating members who end up on the wrong side of the local witch doctor. (yeah, the Rat knows it’s “metes” but he couldn’t resist.) Following a ritualistic sing-sing ceremony, the name of the offending party mysteriously ends up in the ear of the “magic man.” Needless to say, this is a rather unfortunate turn of events for the soon-to-be main course.

These folks proceed to kill and eat those potentially tasty, yet unfortunate souls whom they believe have “caused illness” which brings harm to their village. The tribe is perfectly fine with their dinner selection (buffet style) since they no longer view suspected culprits as human; they have become witches; witches who must be snacked on to be destroyed.

So how often does this happen you ask? Apparently not frequently enough for human entrées to show up as “daily specials” at any of the jungle’s popular dining establishments. Once every six months or so appears to be the norm, although the Rat’s sure more than a few members of the tribe would say that’s often enough, thank you very much.

Okay, let’s get down to the morbid nitty gritty: What exactly do people taste like? “Rather delicious,” says one tribe member. Rat was hoping “chicken” would be the answer. A bit of research on the subject not only proved to be inconclusive; the Rat’s now afraid the police are gonna show up at the door asking: “Why did you Google ‘what does human meat taste like?’” While nobody seems to know for sure, rumor has it that human pot roast tastes similar to veal, or a “sweet” variation of beef. (Rat would rather not know that.)

At any rate, human meat is an excellent source of protein and it does cure witches. You can’t say that about your mom’s pot roast now, can you?

*

Call the Rat crazy, but he’ll betcha “eat me” is not a very popular saying in the jungles of Papau New Guinea.

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Categories: Humor, You’re kidding right?

7 replies

  1. See, now all this talk about food is making me bit hungry…

  2. What’s the fat content of human meat? You do know we had a cannibal tribe on the Texas coastal a while back.

    • That depends west texas. Here’s additional nutritional information that the Rat (unfortunately) discovered:

      Age – Just like other game meat, humans get tough and stringy with age. Anyone 9 – 15 years old taste great, their well shaped legs are great for tender, succulent meals. Girls do taste better than boys.
      Size – Like a good marbled beef, you want your human to have a bit of fat on them and to be of an average weight and size. While a very thin woman may be found attractive, the fact is that what little meat they have is stringy and tough. Very heavy humans tend to be more tender and juicy, but the high fat content can make the flesh greasy and unpleasant. Muscles are a good point in choosing humans, so strongmen might be a good choice for the meat. Many find that the perfect cut of human flesh comes from the average American couch potato.
      Sex – As in cattle, sex doesn’t really matter. Although, females do tend to taste better, and males tend to have more muscle (that means more meat) on them.
      Nationality – Actual race and color have very little to do with the taste of humans. All races are pink and fleshy underneath the skin. Some believe that brown skinned people contain more omega-3 and calcium, but that is just a myth. However one thing that does make a difference is diet. Humans who are strictly vegetarian tend to taste a bit more beefy than those that primarily eat meat. Other considerations are salt and spice intake. Italians, for example, tend to have a mild, natural garlic taste while people from India tend to be a bit on the spicy side. Also another tip is to cook the anus with salt and garlic at 450 degrees. The healthiest part of the human body is the lymph nodes and also, the urethra. But if undercooked they will taste sour and tangy. If you follow these instructions then you will have a wonderful healthy meal.

  3. Modestly proposed and Swiftly concluded by the Donner Winter Travel Menu…
    People eating people seems so redundant, somehow.

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