SEMI-NEWS: A Satirical Look at Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satirical Look at Recent News

by John Semmens -

Wisconsin Election Turnaround “Unprecedented” Says Union

Wisconsin union officials are calling the post-election correction of an
error that converted a 200-vote deficit into a 7,000-vote lead for the
conservative candidate, incumbent Justice David Prosser, for the state
Supreme Court judgeship “unprecedented.”

“In every other instance in which previously uncounted or miscounted votes
have been brought to light it has been to the benefit of the progressive
candidate,” claimed Christine Lamitina, spokeswoman for the Service
Employees International Union (SEIU) of Wisconsin. “Is this election in
Wisconsin going to be the exception that contradicts a well-established
history?” Lamitina appealed for President Obama to “step in and right the
wrong that’s been done to the working people of this state.”

SEIU Vice President for Politics and Growth, Bruce Colburn vowed
“unrelenting efforts to restore victory for Joanne Kloppenburg. We spent
millions of dollars and millions of man-hours to get her elected. We won’t
take ‘no’ for an answer. We will takeover the streets. We will clog the
courts with lawsuits. We will shut this state down if that’s what it takes
to get justice for our cause.”

GOP Bid to Cut Funding to Planned Parenthood Called “Anti-Constitutional”

In explaining why Democrats are willing to shut down the federal government
rather than accede to Republican demands that one of the cuts to the deficit
be funding for Planned Parenthood, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
characterized the demands as “anti-Constitutional.”

“I’m not saying that it rises to the level of unconstitutional,” Reid said.
“But it’s pretty darn close. A woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy
falls clearly within the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause. Her right to fully
enjoy her body without fear of unwanted consequences is fundamental to our
way of life. I can think of no better place to take a stand against the
mindless fiscal misers running the Republican Party.”

Reid rebuffed suggestions that the $350 million in yearly federal aid
granted to Planned Parenthood could easily be made up through fees and
private donations. “Why should any woman have to pay a fee to exercise her
rights,” Reid asked. “Why should private individuals have to pay while the
government neglects its duty to provide for these rights? If government can’t
fulfill such a basic responsibility we may as well shut it down.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) concurred with Reid’s stance adding that “this
organization and its supporters are the ‘life’s blood’ of the Democratic
Party. As long as I have anything to say about it, the Senate will never,
never, never cut funding to Planned Parenthood.”

In its efforts to protect women’s rights Planned Parenthood has slain over
300,000 children per year since it has been receiving federal aid. This
amounts to 900 per day, all 365 days of the year.

Government Shutdown Won’t Affect Congressional Pay

While various segments of the federal government face defunding in the event
of a government shutdown, Congressional pay won’t be affected. In an effort
to deflect political repercussions, several members of Congress (including
House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio) have sworn to forgo their paychecks for
the duration of any shutdown, Representative Linda Sánchez (D-Calif) won’t
be one of them.

“I can’t afford to go one day without my salary,” Sánchez declared. “Like
most Americans, I live paycheck-to-paycheck. I have a two-year-old son. I
have expenses. I need this money. Voters who elected me gave me a right to
this money. I won’t give up a single cent of what I’m entitled to as long as
I’m here.”

Sánchez’s annual salary is $174,000. On top of this she also receives
generous allowances for job-related expenses (office and staff, travel,
mailings), health insurance superior to that of most Americans, and a
retirement package that is the envy of every working man and woman. The
median household income of her constituents is around $46,000. About 9% of
her constituents are currently unemployed.

In related news, even though a possible federal government shutdown might
include suspending the paychecks of US military forces around the globe, US
Army General Carter Ham told Congress that the Obama Administration is
considering sending ground troops to Libya. Rebels fighting Dictator Qaddafi’s
forces complain that “America’s ‘humanitarian bombing’ is not doing enough
to help us destroy this enemy of Allah.”

President Urges Consumers to “Get used to Higher Gas Prices”

Calling higher prices “a key incentive for conserving,” President Obama told
an audience of 500 employees at the Gamesa Technology Corp., a wind turbine
manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, that “we need to get used to higher gas
prices for the sake of our environment.”

“There is no gain without at least a little pain,” the President argued.
“Paying a few dollars more at the pump will encourage people to cut back on
unnecessary trips and use public transit when they have to travel. If we’re
going to save the planet we all have to make sacrifices.”

As an example of what a person could do, the President cited the fact that
“I work from a home office. I’m not driving to work, burning hydrocarbons,
adding to traffic congestion and air pollution. And when I find I do have to
go out I never drive alone. I always carpool with a couple of bodyguards. If
others would just do the same even if only for one or two days a week we’d
make a significant contribution to solving our environmental problems. So,
just think of higher fuel prices as kind of a ‘stick’ to help persuade more
people to make the changes in their behavior that are required to clean the
air.”

“Of course, the upside for you here at Gamesa is that when people can’t
afford the high cost of fossil fuels they’ll be buying your products,” Obama
pointed out. “That’ll mean more jobs and more profits for you.”

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Republicans warned that high energy prices
could lead to a “double dip” recession. Senator John Cornyn (R-Tex) reminded
the President that “higher prices for energy means businesses will have to
make cuts elsewhere—maybe hire fewer workers or lay off some they already
employ. If consumers have to pay more for gas they’ll have less to spend on
other things. The businesses that sell these other things will have lower
revenues with which to employ people. This can only make a weak economy
worse.”

Former Senator Takes Self Hostage in Bid to Avoid Prison

Former Senator John Edwards (D-NC) threatened to kill himself rather than go
to prison. Edwards has been under investigation for alleged payments to take
care of his mistress, Rielle Hunter, during his failed run for president in
2008. The payments violated a campaign finance law that Edwards supported as
a senator.

“I can’t go to prison,” Edwards lamented. “With my looks I’d be any
cellblock’s number one ‘bitch.’ It’d be cruel and unusual punishment for
such a trivial violation of such a questionable law.”

Edwards confided in friends that he hopes his threat to kill himself “will
serve as a kind if preemptive strike against an overly aggressive
prosecution. Why should I be singled out for such severe treatment? Bill
Clinton diddled an intern and lied in front of a grand jury. He never had to
face jail time. Charlie Rangel misappropriated campaign funds and got off
with a slap on the wrist. He didn’t even have to resign from Congress. It’s
just so unfair.”

Those who know Edwards best discount the possibility of suicide. “John’s one
of the cleverest and most successful tort lawyers,” said a friend under a
promise of anonymity. “Histrionics and threats of dire consequences are the
methods he’s been using to win big settlements in legal disputes for years.
I don’t think federal prosecutors stand a chance against him.”

DOJ Decision a Puzzler

The US Department of Justice’s approval of a Georgia law requiring voters to
prove citizenship before they are allowed to cast a ballot has shocked some
observers.

“Those who see a contradiction between upholding a requirement for voters to
prove citizenship while neglecting to do the same for a candidate are
mistaken,” Attorney General Eric Holder contended. “Ensuring that a person
who votes is, in fact, entitled to vote is the job of government election
officials. On the other hand, whether a candidate is entitled to hold the
office for which he is running is the job of voters. Voters by their action
in electing a person are saying that, as far as they are concerned, that
person is entitled to hold the office. That is how democracy works—the
people choose their own rulers. It is not up to my office, the courts, or
any other body to interfere in this process.”

Senator Denounces “Tea Party” Extremists

Hoping to set voters against the so-called Tea Party’s influence on
Republicans to push for steep cuts to federal spending, Senator Charles
Schumer (D-NY) characterized them as “extremists.” “Look at the name these
people took for themselves: the Tea Party,” Schumer said. “You know, the
original Tea Party of 1773 entailed the wanton destruction of property as a
protest against higher taxes. I think the voters of today would consider
such behavior to be extreme disrespect for the duly authorized actions of
their government.”

John Semmens spent 30 years working behind “enemy lines” where he gained the insight into the idiocies (statism, repression, collectivism) that dominate the leftist mindset. Semi-News has been skewering their dangerous and stupid ideas and policies since 2005. The archives of these previously published satires can be found at: http://www.azconservative.org/Column_Archives.htm

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Categories: Humor, Politics

1 reply

  1. I love this post. I laugh at how these folks think. It’s like the Time editor saying the Bible is just the words of men not from God. It is interesting in light of the fact that one’s mind can actual lie to the individual. If you tell a lie to a person five times, they will believe it. I think a liberal, socialist, communist or Democrat is unable to observe something and see reality or understand what they hear or saw because the reality that exist in their minds is not the actual reality, but a lie. Their minds lie to them.

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