SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

by John Semmens

Obama Gains Key Reelection Endorsements

The Communist Party of the United States announced it is supporting Barack Obama’s reelection bid. “It used to be that we had to run our own candidates for public office,” recounted Sam Webb, chairman of the Communist Party USA. “In recent years, though, we’ve found a huge overlap with many of the candidates running on the Democratic ticket. Of these, President Obama is the best of the lot.”

Webb hastened to point out that “this doesn’t mean we are totally satisfied with everything he has done in his first term. The airwaves haven’t yet been cleared of fascist propaganda. Capitalists are still allowed to profiteer from meeting human needs. And property has not been fully collectivized. But we see signs of progress in all these areas and are confident that a second term will bring significant breakthroughs on all fronts.”

NARAL also proclaimed its support for a second Obama term. NARAL President Nancy Keenan said “we are proud to extend our endorsement to a man who has done more to ensure that no woman need endure an unwanted pregnancy than any of his predecessors. Under his rule no insurer will be permitted to refuse to provide whatever measure of birth control is necessary to prevent or terminate a pregnancy. He has brought us closer to the day when a more equitable distribution of child-bearing responsibilities is attained.”

County Employee Fired for Possession of Firearm

Wayne County groundskeeper John Chevilott was recently fired by County Supervisors from a job he’d held for 23 years. His offense was possession of a firearm on County property. Chevilott found a small pistol in the grass he was mowing. He turned it over to police after he completed his work shift.

“There is no question that the gun was in his possession, he admits it was,” asserted County Supervisor Leonard Prickman. “Our policy is clear. No one may carry a firearm on County property. There’s a ‘zero tolerance’ for violators. We cannot allow anyone to skirt the rules for any reason. To make an exception in this instance would be the first step on the road to total anarchy.”

As for what Chevilott should’ve done upon his chance discovery of the weapon, Prickman declined to offer an opinion. “Our policy does not cover such a contingency,” Prickman pointed out. “And we are not obligated to invent one on-the-spot just to please any amateur logicians who want to stick their noses into our affairs.”

Police Report Blames Zimmerman

A new report from the Sanford, Florida Police Department holds George Zimmerman totally responsible for the incident that resulted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin last February. Evidence that Martin had severely beaten Zimmerman before he was shot was discounted by the report.

“The fact is, if Zimmerman had stayed home that day the confrontation would never have occurred,” the report said. “The black eyes, broken nose, and lacerated scalp he suffered would not have happened if he hadn’t ventured out into the streets and exposed himself to risk.”

That Zimmerman had taken on this risk willingly by volunteering for the neighborhood watch patrol was seen as further evidence for his culpability. “Zimmerman was aware that there had been crimes committed in the area,” the report continued. “Yet, he chose to leave the relative safety of his home in a misguided vigilante effort. He compounded his error, turning what probably would have been a routine episode of assault-and-battery into a homicide by bringing a gun along with him.”

Special Prosecutor Angela Corey promised that she will “prosecute Mr. Zimmerman to the fullest extent that I can. We need to send the message that patrolling the streets is a job best left to the police. The decision on when to use deadly force is something that must be confined to trained professionals. Citizens concerned about crime should move to safer neighborhoods and only leave their homes when absolutely necessary.”

Kenyan Birth Claim “Just a Marketing Gimmick”

The revelation that a promotional brochure produced in 1991 by Barack Obama’s literary agency touting his “Kenyan birth” was called “just a marketing gimmick” by Press Secretary Jay Carney.

“The President was trying to persuade a publisher to give him a book deal,” Carney explained. “Naturally, he wanted to make the sale, so the fact that he embellished his resume shouldn’t come as a big surprise to anyone. Come on, making yourself look bigger and better than you really are is standard procedure if you hope to survive in our competitive culture. I mean, is there anyone who hasn’t lied under similar circumstances?”

To those that might harbor suspicions that the reported Kenyan birth could be true, Carney suggested that “even if it were, I think the point is moot. The President has shown that he is fully capable of handling the job. Any deficiencies he may have had on paper have been more than offset by his on-the-job performance for the last three years. Besides, I think the statute of limitations on the whole ‘natural born citizen’ issue has expired.”

Geithner Admits “Finance Has Never Been My Strong Point”

In an interview for PBS News Hour, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner confessed to being “severely confused” by matters of finance.

“A few years ago I was being mocked for messing up my taxes,” Geithner complained. “But, really now, who can figure out the tax code? It’s such a mixed up pile of contradictory rules and instructions that I’d be surprised if anybody got it right.”

“This deficit stuff, what’s that all about?” Geithner wondered. “How can the government be short of money? I’ve been to the mint and it seems we can print as much as we need. If there’s a capacity problem with the presses couldn’t we just switch over from ones to hundreds?”

“And don’t get me started on this whole debt ceiling thing,” the Secretary added. “I don’t get why we are borrowing money when we can print as much as we want. It seems like the Republicans are banging this drum to try to confuse voters and turn them against the President.”

As baffled as he seems on fiscal matters, Geithner claimed to have a firm grasp on the economic impacts of the Administration’s program. “More individuals have been relieved of the necessity to work under President Obama than under any of his predecessors,” he boasted. “The unemployment rate has been steadily coming down as more and more people realize they don’t have to have a job to put food on the table—that’s what food stamps are for. The President’s generosity on this alone is unparalleled in our nation’s history.”

Chaplain Bill Said to Violate Separation of Powers Clause

A House of Representative effort to enact legislation (HR 4310) that would protect military chaplains from being forced to perform same-sex marriages was excoriated by the White House as an unwarranted infringement on the President’s prerogatives as Commander-in-Chief.

Jeffrey Zients, Acting Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget, said the bill violates the separation of powers clause of the Constitution. “A chaplain is a member of the armed forces,” Zients observed. “The armed forces are directly under the President’s chain of command. If the President wants to order a chaplain to undertake certain designated tasks, Congress has no authority to interfere.”

The possibility that some of these designated tasks might conflict with the religious tenets of the chaplains was deemed irrelevant. “Look, service in the military is voluntary,” Zients pointed out. “If a chaplain isn’t willing to follow orders he should resign. As long as he wears the uniform, though, he, like any other soldier, is obligated to do as he is told. The President cannot allow misguided religious zealotry to interfere with his policies.”

Obama Rewrites History

Visitors to the White House website were treated to major revisions in the biographies of the Presidents. Some highlights of these revisions included:

George Washington, in an effort to create a nation that could later be ruled by Barack Obama persevered through many hardships and overcame long odds to defeat the powerful British Army and establish the United States of America in 1781.

Abraham Lincoln, anticipating the need for Barack Obama to rescue the nation from the despair of eight years of George W. Bush, issued the emancipation proclamation in 1862 declaring Blacks residing in areas outside of the control of Union armies were henceforth free. This made Obama, whose ancestors resided in Kenya at that time, eligible to become President of the United States 146 years later.

Dwight Eisenhower, realizing that there would be no opportunity for Barack Obama to become president 65 years later if the Nazis won World War II led a successful attack against the Germans in Normandy in 1944.

Ronald Reagan, foreseeing the need for massive amounts of money that could be redistributed by Barack Obama to promote social justice, used tax cuts to spark a wave of economic growth that created thousands of new millionaires.

John Semmens spent 30 years working behind “enemy lines” where he gained the insight into the idiocies (statism, repression, collectivism) that dominate the leftist mindset. Semi-News has been skewering their dangerous and stupid ideas and policies since 2005. The archives of these previously published satires can be found at: http://en.wordpress.com/tag/john-semmens/ Bestautolenders.com

The Constitution Club is an authorized distributor of the Semi-News column.

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Categories: Humor, Politics

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