Al Qaeda: 22 Tips On How To Keep Your Ass From Being Turned Into Fertilizer By A Drone Strike


About to ruin a jihadi’s day

Okay, I know the Islamofascists are doing their best to protect themselves from Hellfire missiles, but a quick trip through al Qaeda’s recently released field manual, “How to keep your ass from being turned into fertilizer by a drone strike,” doesn’t bode well for the longevity of jihadis who continue to wage holy war against the infidels. Here are a few of the “better” tips – original humorous English translation included:

“To hide under thick trees because they are the best cover against the planes.” (Sure about that, Abdullah? I could be wrong here, but I don’t think Hellfire missiles have much trouble with foliage.)

“In frequently targeted areas, use smoke as cover by burning tires.” (Send up a smoke signal. Great idea. A: carry around a bunch of tires at all times. B: assume that Hellfire missiles and UAV-mounted machine guns won’t completely decimate the area covered by smoke – under which you’re “taking cover.”)

“To stay in places unlit by the sun such as the shadows of the buildings or the trees.” (If you need additional advice on this tip, pick up a copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula at

This one seems to be a bit of a last resort:

“When discovering that a drone is after a car, leave the car immediately and everyone should go in different direction [sic] because the planes are unable to get after everyone.” (Good call. Scatter like ants. Again, can you spell “machine gun,” Abdullah?)

“Spreading the reflective pieces of glass on a car or on the roof of the building.” (Good luck with that.)

And this one’s my fave:

“Formation of fake gatherings such as using dolls and statutes [sic] to be placed outside false ditches to mislead the enemy.” (Ooo, clever. Kind of a take-off on the old Nazi “fake wooden tanks designed to confuse the Allies” thingy, huh?)

So, while the enemy’s drones are busy destroying all your dolls and “statutes,” where are your pals going to be hiding and for how long? When are they going to come out and resume the jihad? Gotta think these things all the way through, Abdullah.

To be fair, several of al Qaeda’s tips focus on technology, jamming communications systems and the like. You can read all 22 tips here. Who knows, maybe a few jihadis who bone up on the tips will save themselves – at least for awhile. But for these soon-to-be martyrs, not so much:

It’s 72 virgins time!

Of course, the ultimate drone strike would be against jihadis who are frantically setting up dolls and statues outside a pretend-meeting, wouldn’t it? Pay-per-view stuff.

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Categories: Al Qaeda, You Can't Make this Stuff up

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3 replies

  1. I made a review of this work from no home program. If you’re interested in making some money, you’ll definitly want to check this video out.

  2. Someone said that the author of “22 Tips For Dodging Drones” has a large “23” on his tombstone…

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