SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

-by John Semmens-

Administration Brochure Touts Food Stamp Benefits for Foreigners

It was recently discovered that the Obama Administration has been working jointly with the Mexican government to inform that country’s illegal migrants to the United States of their “rights to government food assistance.”

The product of this cooperative undertaking is a Spanish-language flyer supplied to the Mexican Embassy by the US Department of Agriculture. The flyer asserts that “even those who enter America illegally are still entitled to certain benefits” and explains how these “undocumented persons” may secure these benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) called the revelation “evidence of a dangerously misguided policy. We are $16 trillion in debt. Adding foreign nationals to our welfare rolls is fiscally irresponsible.”

US Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack defended the outreach program saying “it clearly falls within the nation’s proud tradition of welcoming newcomers to our shores. Doesn’t our Statue of Liberty ask the world to give us their poor and hungry masses yearning to live free? How can we not feed them once they get here? Wouldn’t that be breach of promise?”

Vilsack hastened to point out that “our efforts aren’t confined to Mexicans. We’re very ecumenical in our outlook. One of the guys who bombed the Boston Marathon was a beneficiary of the SNAP food subsidies. We didn’t pry into his private life. We didn’t question his beliefs. To us he was a human being in need of help. That he may have been ungrateful for that help is something we can’t control. Should we let this unfortunate turn of events change who we are? Isn’t this when we’re supposed to turn the other cheek?”

Election Fraud Conviction Labeled “”Irrelevant”

Former St. Joseph County Democratic party Chairman Butch Morgan, Jr. was found guilty of felony conspiracy counts to commit petition fraud and forgery, and former county Board of Elections worker Dustin Blythe was found guilty of felony forgery counts and falsely making a petition, after being accused of fabricating signatures on petitions that enabled Senator Barack Obama, to get on the presidential primary ballot in 2008. The finding means that Obama lacked sufficient valid signatures to qualify.

Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouffe, labeled the convictions “irrelevant and of no consequence. Look, we’re talking about a few hundred forged signatures in one Indiana county. In the end, 69 million votes were recorded for Barack Obama. He was clearly the choice of a majority of Americans. What’s the difference if there were a few minor irregularities in the process on his way to the presidency?”

Plouffe said hoped that “the punishment for these two longtime Democratic Party stalwarts wouldn’t be too harsh. I think we have to consider intent. Election rules can be complex and picayune. The time spent complying could be put to better use doing something else. These officials were only trying to enable the most qualified person to succeed. Since that intent was fulfilled we should forgive any missteps that occurred.”

Boston Bombing May Lead to Crackdown on Public Use of Cameras

One of the lessons the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is taking away from the Boston Marathon bombing is the “potential for phone cameras and video recorders being used to plan these kinds of attacks.”

Secretary Janet Napolitano says DHS is “looking into the inherent threat posed by unauthorized use of these devices, especially in heavily trafficked public places. Law enforcement personnel at every level need to be on alert for people deploying these devices.”

Napolitano professed to be “especially concerned that government officers in the midst of carrying out the directives of higher authorities might be intimidated by fears that their actions are being secretly recorded.”

In related news, those who want an iconic photo of President Obama observing a moment of silence in memory of the victims of the bombing should contact Democratic National Committee headquarters (ph. 202-863-8000). Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz urged everyone “to commemorate this tragic and historic moment by obtaining this portrait of our indomitable leader and simultaneously making a donation to help ensure that the Party has the funding needed to continue promoting its agenda.”

House Report Faults Administration for Benghazi Attack

An interim report for the US House of Representatives on last September’s slaying of the US Ambassador and three other Americans laid the blame squarely on Obama Administration officials. Specifically cited was Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s approval of reduced security.

The report found “serious inconsistencies between the documentary record and Secretary Clinton’s testimony under oath to Congress” and suggested that “a prima facie case for a charge of perjury has been laid.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney scoffed at the report’s “so called evidence. The revelation of documents with Secretary Clinton’s signature on them authorizing reductions in security doesn’t mean anything. It certainly doesn’t prove that she knew what she was signing or that she even read those documents. Signing papers put in front of them is what the officers of government do. Insisting this means they bear responsibility is a stretch.”

To bolster his case, Carney recalled “Congress’ habit of passing legislation they haven’t read. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. The US Government is such a huge operation that running it is beyond a normal person’s capability. Congress ought to be cutting us some slack instead of honing in on every little mistake we make.”

Carney gave long odds to the possibility that the perjury issue would go anywhere. “I seem to recall that there were ‘inconsistencies’ in some of former President Clinton’s statements under oath,” Carney remembered. “Was he prosecuted? No. No one had the guts to open that can of worms. Secretary Clinton will get a pass. She’s a private citizen now and should be allowed to enjoy her retirement without being dogged by accusations.”

DHS Explains Huge AMMO Needs

Congressional inquiry into the Department of Homeland Security’s huge ammunition acquisitions spurred agency officials to try to explain what is going on. At current inventory levels, DHS has four to five times as many bullets for its officers as the US Army has for our troops.

DHS training officer Humberto Medina pointed out that “the Army faces known enemies in numbers far smaller than we have to consider. I mean, Afghanistan’s population is tiny compared to that of the United States. And the Army can supplement with aerial and artillery bombardment. We don’t have that capacity at this time.”

Medina also suggested that “Army troops are better trained and more accurate shooters than the majority of those we’ve recruited for Homeland Security. So it stands to reason that we’d need to fire more rounds to hit any given target, whether it be in a training exercise or, heaven forbid, suppressing an insurrection. In a nation with over 300 million potential enemies an inventory of billions of bullets doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.”

Nick Nayak, DHS’ chief procurement officer, offered an alternative explanation for the recent surge in ammo purchases. “The notion that we are specifically targeting civilians is overwrought,” he said. “People don’t understand the way federal budgeting works. If we end the year with unspent funds that money is lost to us. Our surplus would then be used by the Administration’s enemies to argue for reduced spending in the next budget cycle. In that context, buying a billion bullets that we may never use seemed to be our best option.”

Mayor Downplays Indication that NYC Was Boston Bombers’ Next Target

A statement from captured bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and corroborated by the terrorists’ carjack victim that New York City’s Times Square was the next target was met with surprising calm by Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

“As horrific as the Boston Marathon bombing was or that a similar attack in Times Square might’ve been, the carnage entailed cannot match that wreaked on our citizens by sugar-laden soft drinks,” Bloomberg said. “The Boston bomb claimed the lives of three innocent victims and maimed dozens more. Sugary soft drinks kill and incapacitate far more on an annual basis.”

Bloomberg insisted that “we should not be diverted from the bigger threat to our health and well-being just because a bomb is a louder and messier way to kill people. The argument that sugary soft drinks are a voluntary choice is a smokescreen meant to obscure our social obligation to be our brothers’ keepers.”

The Mayor sought to assure that his concerns about people’s unhealthy habits “is not my sole focus. I think recent events in Boston and Newtown are clear warnings that our interpretation of the rights protected by the Constitution must undergo an evolution.”

“Take, for example, the Fourth Amendment’s bar to ‘unreasonable searches and seizures,’” Bloomberg added. “Given the speed with which criminals can carry out their crimes is it truly unreasonable for police to enter any place and seize weapons or dangerous materials before they can be used? As we saw from the successful manhunt that captured the Boston bomber, citizens don’t mind warrant-less searches of their homes. So, should we really let rigid adherence to an ancient document overrule contemporary common sense?”

John Semmens spent 30 years working behind “enemy lines” where he gained the insight into the idiocies (statism, repression, collectivism) that dominate the leftist mindset. Semi-News has been skewering their dangerous and stupid ideas and policies since 2005. The archives of these previously published satires can be found at: http://en.wordpress.com/tag/john-semmens/

The Constitution Club is an authorized distributor of the Semi-News column.



Categories: Humor, Politics

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