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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

- by John Semmens -

President Tells Grads that Fear of Tyranny a “Mental Illness”

In a commencement address to graduates of Ohio State University, President Obama urged them to eschew “the deranged rantings of those who see growth of government as antithetical to human liberty.”

The President warned that “this particular form of mental illness can be traced back to the Founders of this country who portrayed the modest efforts of the British Government to instill some much-needed discipline into a so-called tyranny against Americans’ supposed natural rights.”

Obama alleged that “while the people of 1776 could be excused for their ignorance—after all, universal public education would not be implemented for another century or more—graduates of today’s top-of-the-line universities ought to break free of these delusions.”

The President concluded his remarks by encouraging new grads to “join my crusade to transform the ways we think about freedom in this country. It’s not enough to just have the liberty to live one’s own life if you don’t have the means to enjoy it. This is where an enlarged role for government comes into play. By wresting away the undeserved wealth from those who have more than they need, government can acquire the resources to ensure a richer and fuller life for all. By voting eagerly and often you can help make this happen.”

An indication that fear of tyranny might not be as “deranged” as President Obama would have us believe emerged when the IRS was forced to apologize for harassing Tea Party opponents of Obama’s policies. Top IRS official Lois Lerner admitted that “this invasion of privacy for purely political reasons was, of course, wrong. However, to put this into proper perspective, no one died as a result of this abuse of the agency’s authority. And in our defense the harassment was carried out at the request of high ranking members of the US Senate.”

The Senators reported to have demanded that the IRS audit or otherwise harry Tea Party members included Robert Bennett (D-Utah), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Al Franken (D-Minn), Tom Udall (D-NM), Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn), and Jeff Merkley (D-Ore).

An unrepentant Senator Franken defiantly defended his request saying “we are at war for the conscience of America. Why shouldn’t we use every weapon at our disposal. These tea-baggers are relentless in their quest to resist their own government. We, who are the government, have every right to fight back as we see fit.”

Mothers’ Day Troop Visit Scuttled by Sequester

House minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she will have to cancel her traditional Mothers’ Day visit to US soldiers stationed overseas because of the budget sequester.

“As a kind of madre in loco parentis to all of our persons in uniform I’m sure my absence this year will be sorely missed,” Pelosi opined. “It is yet another cruel sacrificed to be laid at the feet of those in the GOP who are opposed to the President’s request for more revenue enhancements.”

Despite Pelosi’s statement, it is by no means clear that her traditional visits are highly desired nor that she couldn’t still make them. Pelosi has considerable personal wealth and could easily afford to pay for the trip out of her own pocket.

Queried as to why she doesn’t finance such an “important morale-building mission” out of her own ample funds, the former House Speaker asserted that “the implication that I should spend my own money is an insult. High-ranking members of the government shouldn’t have to spend their own money carrying out their public duties.”

Army Sergeant Tim Johnson, currently stationed in Afghanistan expressed mixed feelings about Pelosi’s announcement. “We’re kind of relieved that we don’t have to go through the hoops of entertaining another visit from a Washington big shot,” Johnson admitted. “It does help put things in clearer perspective, though. We can be out here everyday putting our lives on the line, but a Congresswoman can’t spend a few bucks to do what she says is her vital contribution to our mission? Oh please, give me a f*ing break.”

Amnesty the “Least We Can Do” for Illegals

Vice-President Joe Biden hit back at those criticizing the current immigration reform bill as a grant of amnesty to lawbreakers. “Considering everything these people have already suffered through, granting them amnesty is the least we ought to be doing for them,” he argued.

“Think about it,” Biden demanded. “A person in this country illegally had to cross hundreds of miles of baking desert, dodging INS officers along the way. Many had to pay Mexican criminals for the right to pass through their drug territories unscathed. Once here they had to take on menial jobs at low pay while eluding detection and deportation—often for years. These are real achievements worthy of our admiration.”

“In fact, not granting illegal immigrants the dignity of amnesty will send a chilling message to those still aspiring to come to America,” Biden added. “I mean, if in the end, all they can look forward to is, at best, a life in the shadows or worse, being sent back where they came from, why make the effort to come here?”

The Vice-President cited the Administration’s out-reach to the Mexican Government to obtain their cooperation in assisting illegal immigrants to get into the Food Stamp program as “more in tune with where we want to go on this issue. It would be best if Congress could enact an immigration reform that includes amnesty, but if they can’t the President can always use his power to pardon lawbreakers to implement the necessary changes through executive action.”

Senator Says Texting Illegals Will Remind Them to Go Home

Senator Tom Carper (D-Del) contends that “a significant share of the illegal immigration problem is inadvertent. Those who become illegal residents due to expired visas can’t really be blamed.” Carper suggested that “a program that would send text messages to those in the country on visas reminding them that their visas had or were about to expire would, in my opinion, greatly reduce the number of offenders.”

Carper said he got the idea from a similar program run by the Mexican government that texts expectant mothers reminding them of the estimated number of days they have left to cross the US border so their babies can be born US citizens.

Lies about Benghazi Attack Warranted

Now that it is clear that the Obama Administration’s story about the Benghazi attack has been a total fabrication, “Plan B” has been launched. Press Secretary Jay Carney pilot tested the new talking points late Friday.

“Let’s for purposes of argument say that the initial story about a riot over a video was incorrect,” Carney offered. “That doesn’t necessarily mean that issuing the story wasn’t the right course of action. Suppose we move our point of reference from the acknowledged tragedy of the deaths of four Americans to the bigger picture. What happened to these people is not as important as what could’ve happened had we not controlled the narrative.”

“The loss of one Ambassador, bad as this might seem at first glance, pales in comparison to the overthrow of an entire Administration,” Carney maintained. “Is there any doubt that enemies of the President would have used a publicly admitted failure to provide adequate protection or to rescue them afterward for the purposes of persuading voters to oust him from office? Isn’t protecting the head of state worth the sacrifice of a few of those sworn to serve him? Wouldn’t a chess master sacrifice a pawn to save a king?”

“Ambassador Stephens was a true believer in what President Obama is trying to achieve,” Carney went on. “I don’t think there is any question that were he to have been given a choice he would’ve acquiesced in a false narrative regarding his own demise if the payoff was to protect the President from his detractors. We could argue that stirring up the issue at this late date only undermines the cause for which Stephens gave his life.”

Representative Elijah Cummings (D-Md), ranking Democratic member of the House Oversight Committee that is holding hearings on the Benghazi attack said he found Carney’s case “persuasive. Death is part of life. I’m confident that Ambassador Stephens realized that and would be appalled if he knew how his President’s enemies are trying to take political advantage of his death.”

On the other hand, fellow House Oversight Committee member Representative William Clay (D-Mo) blamed everything on “GOP-driven budget cuts. The way they starve the government I don’t see how we could protect anyone from attack. The way I see it, every dollar withheld from government puts another life at risk.”

 

 

John Semmens spent 30 years working behind “enemy lines” where he gained the insight into the idiocies (statism, repression, collectivism) that dominate the leftist mindset. Semi-News has been skewering their dangerous and stupid ideas and policies since 2005. The archives of these previously published satires can be found at: http://en.wordpress.com/tag/john-semmens/

The Constitution Club is an authorized distributor of the Semi-News column.

Dems Weigh-in on Senator Cruz

Though only a Senator for a short time, Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has made a big impression on some influential Democrats.

James Carville, long time consultant to the Clintons, called Cruz “the most talented and fearless Republican I’ve seen in the last 30 years. If we don’t take him down a notch pretty soon we’ll be in big trouble down the road.”

Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said he rued “the possibility that some may mistakenly view him as Hispanic. He may have the skin tone, but he definitely doesn’t have Hispanic attitudes. He would close our borders to the tens of million Hispanics who want to come here. He puts saving taxpayers’ money ahead of achieving social justice. I assure you, he is not one of us.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), who has already locked horns with Cruz on several issues, characterized Cruz as “unacceptably uppity. To get along in the Senate you’ve got to kiss the right asses. It was how I rose to the top. I’m not going to let Cruz opt out of this long-standing tradition. He’ll go nowhere as long as I’m running the show.”

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Categories: Humor, Politics

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